Why I Won’t Encourage My Kids To Marry Young

Fairy Tales have been ingrained in us so much so, that you would be hard pressed to find someone who doesn’t know of them.  From the time we are young girls we’re shown fairy tales of the “damsel” finding her “prince charming”, and getting married and living happily ever after. Well, fairy tales got it wrong!  This is why I won’t encourage my kids to marry young:

Nowhere in that fairy tale does it give the princess the opportunity to even learn who she is as a person.  Marriage in itself takes hard work.  Never mind adding the challenges that come with getting married early while both partners are still growing, changing, and developing.  Don’t get it twisted, couples who marry young can still be happy and work out.  I know of quite a few.  I also know that when I got married young, I hadn’t had the chance to really grow into my own person just yet.  I hadn’t had the opportunity to learn who I truly was.  Neither of us did.

So you get married young and everything is all well and good right?

Well here’s the thing; most times children follow shortly after.  Of course, this is not every marriage, so please note that I’m speaking in a general sense.  If it doesn’t apply to you, great!  Now, when the children come along, your focus must primarily be in caring for them.  Their needs are entirely dependent on you.  For many, this allows you to overlook your own needs, focusing on the family instead.

Years can pass by and you find yourself changing and evolving.  After all, we are human, we’re not meant to stay the same.  If you don’t evolve and change, you have a bigger problem than anything being discussed here.  So you find yourself changing and evolving and now you come to the realization that your spouse has also been growing and changing as well, and now you have to figure out whether you both are on the same trajectory.  Are you both still changing together? Or is there a major distance that has developed?

Nothing is ever hopeless until one or both decide they give up and are not willing to try anymore.  For a healthy marriage, many conversations have to take place.  You will constantly be learning your partner because they are constantly changing.  They are not who they were five years ago, or even one year ago.  The same with you.  So allowing your partner the grace to grow, while growing with them is the ideal situation.  Often when people are married early, they haven’t yet developed the maturity for this and instead it turns into arguing and resentment, which can fester and grow and destroy a marriage if left unchecked.

I won’t be encouraging my children to get married early because I need them to see that they must be whole first, and have an understanding of who they are as a person before they can truly understand these same things about their partner.  I want my kids to be able to be equipped with the maturity level and the communication skills that are needed to allow their partner and themselves the grace to grow and change.  I want my children to have the time to focus solely on themselves and allow for their own accomplishments before their attention needs to be divided for the family.  Many women lose focus of themselves, thus becoming the identity of mom and wife, and forget that they had dreams and goals and desires before that.  Not that it can’t be done, but with a family, the challenges and demands are higher.  I can definitely speak from my own personal experience on this one.  I would like for my children to only have to be married once.  They’ll know when the time is right for them, but I won’t be the one to encourage them to get married young.  I’ll encourage them to get married when they’re ready and mature enough.

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