25 Things I Never Thought I’d Say…Then I Had Kids

I’ve been a mom for 9 years, and in the last 9 years I’ve said many things I never thought I would ever, ever say. I mean EVER!  So I thought I’d share some of the highlights with you to bring you some chuckles.

1. To my son: Get out of the dishwasher! You can’t take a nap in the dishwasher!

2. To my son: Walking to the bus stop this morning with my son.
Me: I should’ve grabbed an umbrella.
Drew: Why mommy? Cause the sky is drooling?
Me: *cracking up* Drizzling baby, it’s drizzling. The sky doesn’t drool.

3. To my son: Him: I hacked daddy’s computer. When he wakes up and sees it, I’m going to laugh. 
Me: You can’t hack daddy’s computer! Wait, you’re 6! How did you hack a computer?!

4. To my daughter: You got the floor wet with the dishes. I need you to grab the mop and clean it up.
Her: *Starts singing “It’s a hard knock life”*
Me: Really? Hard knock life though?

5. To my son: As we walked to the bus stop this morning, my son sees a dog behind a fence barking at us. He’s offended and says:
Him: If that dog keeps barking at me I’m going to body slam him all the way to Wrestlemania.
Me: Ok my tough muscle man
Him: Yeahhh, I’ve been working out.
Me: I don’t even know what to say right now.

6. To my daughter: She asks “Mommy, what are some of the bad things you’ve had to go through in life?”
I said “why focus on the bad when there’s so much good in my life? The good greatly outweighs the bad.”
Her: “True. And while God hasn’t given us everything we want, as a family, we have everything we need.”
Me: “You’re absolutely right, and I’m speechless”.

7. To my son: Him: “My girlfriend is Danica Patrick.”
Me: “Why? And who’s that?” Him: “She’s a race car driver. We’re going to get married and race cars around the world.”
Me: “Ummm, I’ll check in again on that plan in a couple of years.”

8. To both my kids: “No you can’t swim in the tub with your clothes and pamper on”.

9. To my daughter: “No, the tooth fairy doesn’t pull you teeth out of your mouth. Your teeth are safe in your mouth. There is no tooth fairy.”

10. To my son: *Struggling with homework* Him: Can you just do my homework for me?
Me: No, this is your homework. I have to do my own.
Drew: Well, I’ll help you if you help me.
Hubby: I know that’s right!
Me: Really?! That is not helping!

11. To both my kids: Her: If you had a country named after you, what would the name be? The country food? And the signature scent? Mine would be Jaydonesia, cupcakes for the food, and it’ll smell like baby ointment.
Me: *cracking up *
Him: Mine is Drewtopia, our food is vegetables, and the smell is monkey farts. (Monkey Farts is a soap smell that smells like pineapple, mango, and coconut)
Me: “If only people could hear the conversations we have”.

12. To my daughter: Her: “Mommy, we were freed, but so many of us still aren’t free. We’re still slaves.”
Me: “Wow…that was so much more powerful than you know.”

13. To both my kids: Her: They chose another American Girl doll, and they didn’t choose Kaya. They keep choosing dolls that look the same, but don’t look like me.
Him: You don’t like the other dolls?
Her: I do, but their favorite dolls don’t look like me or most people I know. I get tired of seeing the same old dolls picked for favorites.
Him: Well Jay, I still choose you as my favorite.
Me: I still choose you both as my favorites.

14. To my daughter: *She’s watching the Grammy’s with us*
Her: Ahhhh, I can’t get that image out my head of this grandma showing off her old boobs and butt! How old is she?
Me: She’s old baby. She’s been around for a long time.
Her: Can she put some clothes on then?!

15. To my daughter: Her: Mommy, did you know beef is good for your iron?
Me: Did you know beets are even better?
3rd party who will remain unnamed: Like the headphones?
Me: Umm, no, do you eat headphones?

16. To my daughter: *Got some news that completely frustrated me, and this conversation ensues*
Her: Mommy, you need to do Tai Chi with me to calm back down.
Me: Baby, I don’t feel like it right now. Just give me a hug.
She gives me a hug and says:
I give you permission to squeeze me like a stress ball.
Me: That made me laugh. I feel better now.

17. To my son: Me: Come on son, eat your dinner.
Him: I don’t want to eat. I’m not hungry!
Hubby: Eat your food so you can get muscles and grow.
Him: I don’t want to get muscles. I want to have noodle arms and a platform head.
Hubby: Well I’m not going to let you have noodle arms and a platform head!
Me: I don’t even know what to say about that.

18. To my son: *A commercial comes on with a woman announcing she’s pregnant.*
Him: Mommy what does I’m pregnant mean?
Me: It means she has a baby growing in her belly.
Him: Can you grow a baby in your belly? You just need soil, sun, and water.
Me: No son, it takes a lot more than that.

19. Random guy to my son: Are you excited for Santa to bring your presents?
Son: Santa’s not real.
After guy recovers from the shock he says: So who brings your presents?
Son: My family does.
Guy: You don’t think Santa will come down the chimney and give you presents?
Son: We don’t have a chimney. Mommy and Daddy hand us the presents.
Guy: *Blank stare*
Me: We choose to teach them the truth.
Guy: Doesn’t that kill the magic of Christmas?
Me: Is he any less excited about celebrating?

20. Apparently my kids understand elections, protests, and democracy. They held an election on “bedtime reform” (their words). They proposed cancelling bedtimes, but would settle for a later bedtime. They even tried to stage a protest.
Me: What you both didn’t realize is the power of the Veto. You both got vetoed. Bedtime still stands. Good try though! Proud of you both for using what you know.

21. To my daughter: Her: Please have another baby.
Me: Hah! Bye Felicia!
Her: Wait, who’s Felicia?
Me: *Cracking up*
Her: No, seriously. Who’s Felicia?!?!

22. Conversation with my daughter:
Her: Mommy, I’m tough because I was in your belly while you were in the military.
Me: Oh is that why?
Her: Yup. Come on, you gotta give me something here. You’re tough, so you passed it on to me. I’m tough too.
Me: Ummm, if you say so.
Her: I do! I’m tough like my mommy!
Me: You make me laugh!

23. Conversation between my kids:
Son: I put on “happy”.
Daughter: He knows I hate that song.
Me: So cover your ears.
Daughter: But that doesn’t work.
Son: Then go dig a hole somewhere.
Me: What?!?! Where did that come from?

24. Conversation with my daughter after seeing a Leukemia commercial:
Her: I wonder when they’ll find a cure for Breast Cancer.
Me: There are cures. Natural is always best. I know of a few.
Her: Did you know that they’re using Bioluminescence to diagnose and treat it now?
Me: *blink blink* I did know that, but how did YOU know that?!
Her: I read everything!
Me: You are your mother’s daughter.

25. To my son: Him: Why can’t I run around naked?
Me: Because we wear clothes in this house. No one wants to see you naked.
Him: But I like the air
Me: I can’t…

Recommended Articles

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.