My Ex as My Next?

He walks in the room and smells good. You remember that smell would linger in the bedroom after he left for work. You take it all in. Then he takes your hand and looks deep in your eyes the way he used to, back then, when nothing else mattered in the world but his touch and your lips pressed to his. You wonder, why can’t things be liked they used too. I’m sure we could get it right this time. Maybe if we try again we could…STOP!!!

They are beginning to keep statistics about divorced couples who remarry and try a second chance at love. Whether you were married or just have children with a man you once dedicated years of your life to, the choice to return to a relationship with that person should not be taken lightly and definitely not left to emotions. Consider the 5 W’s: Who? What? When? Where? Why?

Who is this reconciliation meant to benefit? As mothers, we can be quick to use our children as justification for why we choose to do something for ourselves. We go to the store and yes, the babies need clothes, but it is also a great opportunity for some “me-time” around some cute bags and shoes.

It would be wonderful if every child born would have the daily presence of their mother and father under the same roof. That is just not the reality of many. There are many situations where the relationship is unhealthy, co-dependent, toxic, or abusive. The children are forever changed by each argument, verbal assault, or encounter of violence.

To want to reconcile so the children can have their father near may produce a different effect than you intended and could have long-term consequences affecting the very ones you, supposedly, made the choice to return for. Besides, he could be there every day. That does not mean that father is there as a daddy.

What do you expect to gain? Do you want someone to talk to? Is it your friend that you are missing? Is it your lover that you are craving? Is it all that makes that person up that you want back? Be careful when you answer because there was likely something about the “all” of that person that contributed to the first break-up.

If your end goal is to just have a better relationship with your children’s father, than keep that goal in the forefront of your mind. That is your central focus. If you are hoping to gain a best friend but he was not your best friend when you were together, than perhaps those skills are just not something he possesses and, truthfully, he does not have to work to change just because you want him back. If there is no clear purpose, than why are you getting back together again? Just asking.

When did you decide it was a good idea to consider reconciliation? Did this happen during a moment of emotional weakness? Was it when you came home with some great news and realized you had no significant person to share it with? Was it when you saw him with the next chic? When exactly did you think getting back together was a good idea?

If we are honest, we are women and women can tend to be emotional. If your decisions are made during times when your emotions are at their highest, then they are, typically, NOT rooted in logic, reasoning, or facts. They are what you want and feel right now with no consideration of the future or the past. Remember, you felt this way for him once before.

Where do you see this going? Do you see yourself back at the altar? I know of several second marriages of divorcees that are successful. They learned from their mistakes, worked on them together, and committed to actively creating a loving and successful life. It is completely possible. But is that where you see this going? Have the changes been made in you and him that will benefit the relationship and nurture each other? Or is it just two people who have always been attracted to each other finding themselves still attracted to each other?

Listen, the bedroom was probably never your problem. It was the day-to-day operations of the relationship and the household that was the challenge. If both are not willing to put in the work to be in the lifelong relationship you once promised to each other, than it should be clear that this path will likely lead to the same unfortunate end as it did last time. But if that glimmer of hope is met with commitment and love, you may have a second chance.

Why him? It cannot just be the sex. There is penis around every corner and his is probably not gold. Does he feed all parts of you; mind, body, and spirit? Does he support your dreams and encourage your growth as a woman? Does he respect and appreciate you as a mother? Why is it that you would consider going back to a previously failed relationship rather than moving forward and creating a new life with a new person?

Sometimes history is more powerful than we give it credit; especially when you are a woman of a certain age. Starting all over with someone who does not get why you are the way you are, who did not share in life-changing events with you, and who you do not share children with can be an overwhelming prospect. You have to meet someone, get to know them, play the dating game – UGH! Do not let that emotion dictate your choices.

Your life is yours to create and you decide who you create it with. You do not have to settle for someone that was not good for you because you feel you may not be able to do better. On the flip side, you do not have to settle for less when you have had better and there may be a chance to have that again. Just use wisdom and consider more than how you feel. You are a Sexy Mom moving forward. Whoever was divinely created for you will be moving in that same direction…even if he is your ex.

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