10 Things NOT To Say To A Pregnant Woman

I’m now 8 months pregnant, and I can honestly say I’ve heard some of the most ridiculous comments from people during my pregnancy. I’ve heard comments that have gone from uber nosy to downright rude and obnoxious. Having experiences like this help me remember what NOT to say to another pregnant woman. Here are 10 things NOT to say to a pregnant woman. Feel free to add more if you’d like.

1. Wow, you’re huge!
Right, because it’s not like I look down at myself every day and see a large boulder-sized belly looking back at me, I definitely needed you to point it out to me. Thank you for that!

2. Is it your husband’s/boyfriend’s baby?
Now, this was one of the most idiotic questions I’ve been asked during the pregnancy. If this baby wasn’t from my husband/boyfriend, do you think I’d really share it with you? Thankyouverymuch!

3. Are you sure there’s only 1 baby in there and not 2?
*Facepalm* That is all…

4. In regards to pregnancy, Google says…
Anything Google says, you can pretty much bet that we stopped listening to you once you said “Google said”. Unless Google can replace the care of our Midwives/Doctors, please save your Google facts.

5. Did you get pregnant by accident?
Clearly, if I’m having sex, there’s a possibility of pregnancy, just as there is for anyone having sex. So while the baby may or may not have been planned, you asking that is overstepping your boundaries.

6. Did you want another baby?
So how much money is in your bank account? Not my business right? Exactly! Just say congratulations. The prying, invasive questions are so unnecessary.

7. Are the kids happy about a new baby?
No, they’ve actually staged a protest and are filing injunctions against the new baby as we speak. Seriously? It’s an adjustment for any family. A better question would be to wait until after the baby is born and ask how is everyone adjusting? Is there anything I can do to help?

8. You look like you’re about to drop a load.
I’m sorry, are you referring to taking a massive dump or giving birth to a baby? The phrase drop a load just sounds so abrasive and gross.

9. Can you still have sex while you’re pregnant?
Seriously? Can you still take a shower in the summer? What kind of ridiculous question with no boundaries is that?!

10. You look like you’re about ready to pop!
Again, do I look like a balloon? Please don’t tell a pregnant woman she looks like she’s ready to pop.

Feel free to add any others you can think of. We’d love to hear it!

The Not-So-Perfect Side Of Motherhood We’ve All Been In

A frustrated mother shares her frustration on raising young children as a single parent.

The comments in response to this overwhelmed mom were brutal! As women, as sisters, we need that village around us to help us stand strong when we feel weak. We ALL feel weak and overwhelmed from time to time, and most, if not all of us have broken down in tears at some point during raising our children.
Raising young children, this mom may have undiagnosed Postpartum Depression, or simply be overwhelmed with her current situation. My heart goes out to her as a mom because I know how hard it can get sometimes.
Stay strong mama! You can do it. Reach out for the help you need. Reach out when you’re having trouble. It won’t last forever. It’ll get better.

Moms, where is your village? Are you part of another woman’s village?

8 Ways To Help Your Children Get Through A Divorce (While Keeping Your Own Sanity)

In late 2016, my marriage was over.  This is not about who was at fault or who wasn’t, nor is it about anything regarding the marriage.  This is about how I learned to walk with my children through the process and how I learned to keep my sanity during it all.

  • Safe Space:  No matter how “well” your child seems to be dealing with the transition, they have their own thoughts and feelings that need to be processed properly to help them.  Sometimes the way kids interpret situations can be incorrect.  They need a safe space to be able to voice their feelings, thoughts, and concerns.  They need to know they’ll be heard, and their thoughts and feelings will be respected.  Naturally, they are going to have questions, answer them as appropriately as possible.  While they don’t need to know all the details, they do need to hear some truth.  In other words, don’t pacify them.  If details are not appropriate for them, let them know you don’t want to share that with them at this point in time because you feel it’s best for them.  Don’t shut down on them though.  They need you.
  • Take Care Of Yourself:  Your kids will watch you for cues on how to care for themselves during this transition.  You have to show your kids by example that they need to care for themselves as well.  Spend time in prayer, meditation, exercise, or whatever else makes you feel good.  Personally, hot baths are therapeutic for me, so I try to take the time to take one once a week.  Allow your children to take some “me” time and recoup for themselves.  For my kids, that means spending time drawing, reading, kicking back, etc.
  • Never badmouth the other parent:   Trust me, you will get angry and frustrated with the other parent.  It’s inevitable.  However, when you badmouth the other parent, your child or children can’t help but take it personally, as they love their other parent.  It can make them feel like they’re in the middle and have to choose between their parents.  That’s a conflict that your children really do not need, especially during an already trying time for them.  More than likely, the other parent will assume that you are bad-mouthing them.  Don’t prove them right.  Be better than that.  It’ll work in your favor later on when you see you never put your children in the position to have to choose or to listen to the negative about their other parent.
  • Keep the details to yourself:  Unless the details of the breakdown of the marriage have to deal with the children directly, it’s best to keep the details to yourself.  Children should not have to bear the burden of learning the details of the breakdown of their parents’ marriage.  Some children internalize and can perceive the details to be due to them.  Either way, the details are unnecessary to be shared with the kids.  If you need to share, share with your girlfriends that you know you can trust.  Just don’t share it with the children.  Some details can forever alter the way the child looks at their parents.
  • Nurture your village:  Every woman needs to have a village.  You need to have that circle of people in your life that you can turn to for laughter, restoration, love, and more.  This village is helpful for the children too.  There will be times when you can’t be everything to your children at the same time and sometimes one of the people in your village can help your children.  An example of that is when my son came home from school with math problems that I was unfamiliar with.  I grew up in an era where common core was not the norm.  Now, it is and I have no idea how to get on board with it.  So my brother was able to figure it out and help my son.  My son and I were both pretty frustrated, but having that village able to help when we need it makes a huge difference.  I also have a friend who has 2 sons.  My kids love to go to her house and spend time with her kids.  She’s one of the few people outside of my family who I trust with my children, so it’s a huge help when my kids can go over there and enjoy themselves.  It gives me a small break and allows me to unwind and get some much-needed rest.
  • Acknowledge the good days and the bad:  You will have both good and bad days.  There is no getting around that.  The process of a divorce is very similar to the death of a loved one.  You and your children will go through a cycle of different emotions.  Remember to be gentle with yourself, and to apply that same gentleness to your kids.  Just like your emotions are on a tailspin cycle, their emotions are doing the same thing.  While you have the better understanding of the situation, they may also be going through feelings of helplessness because they have no say in the situation.  Allow yourself and your kids to process those emotions and be gentle with yourselves.  Acknowledge that some of the days are good and some will be rough.  Be okay with the rough days.  They won’t last.
  • Let your kids be kids:  This is a transitional time for you and the kids, allow them to be children.  Let your kids run around outside and play.  Let them play with friends and get together with family.  When possible, encourage them to get active in extracurricular activities they may be interested in within their schools.  Take weekend trips as a family, even if they’re local.  Let your kids know it’s okay for them to still be kids and enjoy themselves.  It’s important to them. 
  • Isolation is a dangerous thing:  While it may be easy to retreat into your own space and isolate, it’s not good for you to your children.  When you isolate, your children can feel like they were abandoned and left alone to go through this emotional process.  Isolation can be a very dangerous thing for you and your children.  Isolation can lead to depression and other issues, even suicide.  My daughter has a habit of isolating when she’s emotional.  It’s her coping mechanism.  I allow her to spend a certain amount of time alone, but then that’s it.  It’s time to rejoin the family and spend some healing time together.  When people isolate, it rarely turns out to be beneficial for their mental health.  That goes for adults and children.

While this is a trying process to go through with children, please know that it does pass.  In some cases, the parents can peacefully co-parent and even attend functions together to celebrate the children.  After all, that is the ideal situation.  So it may feel like this storm will last forever, it won’t.  It’s just a storm and will pass.  You and your children will weather the storm and can come out on the other side even stronger.  Here’s wishing you the best of healing for you and your children.  If you have any other tips to share, feel free to comment.  We’d love to hear it!

5 Ways To Tell If You’re The Side Chick (Valentine’s Day Exposed)

The day before Valentine’s day is more of an underground holiday for men seeing women outside of their main relationship.  In other words, “side chicks”.  The unfortunate women who don’t know that they are side chicks are the ones who will hear their man come up with excuses as to why they can’t take them out for Valentine’s day.  You’ll hear something like “we can go out the day before, but I gotta work on Valentine’s day”, or “we can’t go out on Valentine’s day, but we can go out the day after”, or better yet “let’s do breakfast on Valentine’s day, I have some things to take care of later in the day”.  If you hear any of these excuses, you might be a side chick and not know it.

Of course this doesn’t mean that any man who’s working on Valentine’s day, or can’t spend it with his woman is seeing a side chick.  However, it may be enough to start your spidey-senses tingling.

Here are 5 ways you can tell if you’re a side chick:

1) If you can’t reach him on the major holidays, including Valentine’s day, you’re probably a side chick.  If you get nothing but his voicemail, and the next day he responds with some lame excuse, then you may need to rethink that relationship.

2) If his idea of a Valentine’s day gift is taking you to an early outing wayyyyyy out of the way, he’s probably trying to hide you.  Or if he takes you out the day before or day after Valentine’s day, and you couldn’t reach him on Valentine’s day, you’re probably a side chick.

3) He won’t give you his home address, even if you tell him you want to have a Valentine’s day gift sent to him.  He tells you to send it to his job, or his homeboy’s house, for whatever reason.

4) If he won’t tell you where he works, chances are, you’re probably a side chick.

5) If he never takes pictures with you, and won’t let you post any pictures of him on social networks, you’re probably a side chick.

These are just a few different ways that may help you question whether you need to be with or not.  However, women have intuition, and many choose to ignore it.  If you feel like your man is up to something, he may just be.  Don’t ignore your intuition, and don’t drive yourself crazy trying to follow him and figure out what he’s up to.  If trust is a major issue, you may have to rethink that relationship.  If you find that you’re a side chick, please know that you’re worth so much more.  Please know that you’re worth being the one and only.

Women’s Empowerment Hits The Golden Globes: Oprah Winfrey’s Life-Changing Speech

Oprah Winfrey brought the house down with her life-changing Golden Globes speech. Oprah is best known as a Media Mogul ranging from the OWN Network to the Oprah show, advertising and commercials, producing, acting in movies, and so much more. She is by far a multitalented woman who succeeds at what she puts her hands to. When she walked on stage to receive her award, the speech she gave was epic, including her support for the Me Too movement, standing against sexual harassment, sharing the story of Recy Taylor, and embracing the power of women.  She left many people wondering if this was her way of putting her hat in for the 2020 Presidential race. Will we be seeing Oprah for President in 2020? Would you vote for Oprah if she runs?

Here is the video of her speech:

Open Marriages: Are They The New Face of Marriage?

Open marriages are not necessarily a new thing when it comes to relationships. What is new is the gaining popularity over that which used to be a taboo topic. More and more married couples are becoming comfortable with openly discussing their choice to have an open marriage. I was given the opportunity to interview several people who are in open marriages.

Of those women I interviewed, about half of them were happily satisfied in their open marriage while the other half was no longer happy with the arrangement. Some of the women who were no longer satisfied with their open marriage stayed in these arrangements because the husband was still interested in continuing it. Others stayed because they felt their financial lives, or otherwise their stability would be in jeopardy.
These are some of the negative side of open marriages. But what about the ones who are happily married openly?
After being able to discuss with a few of those ladies, I learned that it works for these couples depending on the level of maturity, trust, honesty, etc.

For some, it’s strictly a sexual pleasure thing. One of the women I was able to interview told me “for us the benefits is just like bring a dildo in. But in our case we think of the extra person as a giant toy. No relationship, just straight sex.” She stated they have had no problems with their open marriage and keep strictly to rules they set along with anyone else involved. While other women have stated they have even moved in the third party and are raising a family together, turning their marriage into a polygamous marriage (which has also seen a recent surge of popularity).

The truth is many couples we already know are into “swinging”. A couple I was able to interview recently wrote their first book on Polyamory much to the surprise of their friends and family. They are very happy together, have been married 50 years now, and have both brought other people into their marriage for what they feel has improved it, despite the jealousy issues that may have risen from time to time. While it is easier to develop jealousy or insecurity issues from time to time, they firmly believe that communication is precisely the biggest factor for the success of their relationship. That’s definitely the key to success in ANY relationship whether it be traditional or nontraditional. Different strokes for different folks ya know?

So with this recent surge in popularity of open marriages, I have to ask, are open marriages the new face of marriage? Could you be involved in an open marriage? What are your thoughts? We’d love to hear you!

Gabrielle Union Speaks Out On Her Struggle With Infertility

Gabrielle Union is an A-list Hollywood celebrity who has starred in numerous movies and tv shows, most recently the series Being Mary Jane. She is also wife of basketball star Dwayne Wade. Gabrielle Union recently released a new book entitled “We’re going to need more wine” in which she opens up about some personal struggles she’s faced throughout her lifetime including her heartbreaking struggle with infertility and IVF treatments.

“I have had eight or nine miscarriages,” Union, 44, writes in the book. “For three years, my body has been a prisoner of trying to get pregnant — I’ve either been about to go into an IVF cycle, in the middle of an IVF cycle, or coming out of an IVF cycle.” Even through this heartbreak, her and her husband have not given up hope, and “remain bursting with love and ready to do anything to meet the child we’ve both dreamed of.”

While Union says she never wanted children until she got married to her husband and became stepmom to his sons from previous relationships. Now she states she wants nothing more than to be with the children she is helping to raise.
While she wasn’t always as open about her struggle with infertility as she is currently, she voiced the frustration in hearing questions from well-meaning family and friends asking when she was going to have a baby.

“For so many women, and not just women in the spotlight, people feel very entitled to know, ‘Do you want kids?’” she says. “A lot of people, especially people that have fertility issues, just say ‘no’ because that’s a lot easier than being honest about whatever is actually going on. People mean so well, but they have no idea the harm or frustration it can cause.”

With infertility struggles on the rise, that may just make us stop and think before we ask someone else that again. I know I have personally struggled with infertility myself, having 5 or 6 miscarriages. I was blessed with 3 healthy children, but I definitely understand the heartbreak behind each miscarriage.

Union says “Once a month I look like I’m in my second trimester because I’m bloated,” she says. “It leads to the questions and it leads to the rumors and anytime I go into a doctor’s office I feel like I’m a member of SEAL Team Six undercover because I don’t want people to speculate.”

She shares her story in the hopes that the public will take a closer look at the struggle of infertility and learn to approach the topic better. Gabrielle Union, we hope you’re able to receive all the desires of your heart. You truly embody a Sexy Mom who Rocks!

Pick up your copy of her new book “We’re going to need more wine” anywhere books are sold.

Image Source: Zimbio

Are Celebrities Held To Different Child/Spousal Support Expectations?

A story that has circulated social media recently has been the homelessness of Carmen Bryan, mother of superstar Nas’ daughter.  Since his daughter has turned 18 and child support has stopped, it is now being reported that Carmen is homeless and couch surfing due to mismanagement of money.  After writing a tell-all book exposing Nas and many aspects of their relationship, many feel he should overlook that and help her.  Others feel he should leave it alone and let her get on her own feet.

Here’s the thing, if it were any other person who was paying child or spousal support, would we expect them to fly in like a superhero and save an ex spouse whom they haven’t been with in years due to their mismanagement of funds? If the answer is no, why do people expect it from a celebrity?  Is it expected of him just because he has it?

What are your thoughts? We’d love to hear it!

Pushing Past The Pain: How To Heal From Heartbreak

As much as we may want to plan out our lives, and even prepare ourselves for what life has for us, the truth is we can’t. No matter how much of a planner you are, life will throw something your way that will knock you to your knees, and send you reeling. I’ve been there myself quite a few times.  Heartbreak has a way of finding us throughout our lives.

Last year I found myself in one of those times. I was pregnant, and in my second trimester and miscarried. Not only did I have to still deliver the baby at home after a dose of Cytotec, but apparently my follow up dr missed the fact that I didn’t deliver everything. I was at work one day and felt what I could only describe as contractions. I made my way to the hospital just in time to start hemorrhaging. I lost over a pint of blood that day. I ended up needing multiple blood transfusions, and emergency surgery. Cancer cells were found in my blood due to this, and I had blood work to do every week for the following few months. This is did not even factor in the emotional toll that it took on me.

As moms, we find ourselves in places where we are truly are in need emotionally, but we put it on the back burner to tend to everyone else’s needs. I developed anxiety attacks, and to an extent went through a depression behind this. I knew my family was still healing from almost losing me physically, I couldn’t afford to put them through losing me emotionally.

I decided to take care of me, and started therapy to get the help I needed. Now I know therapy is so stigmatized that people run from it instead of to it. However, this therapist made a world of a difference with me. While she challenged me, she also helped me get to the root of what I was going through. Much of it was fear I had allowed to develop. Irrational fear at that.

After a few months with the therapist, the anxiety attacks stopped. I was able to sleep again, and function normally. In our cultures we look at therapy and mental health with this stigma like someone isn’t strong enough, or there’s something wrong with them if they seek out help for their mental health. Why then are we surprised when they snap and shoot up schools and movie theaters? This could be avoided by getting people (including ourselves) the help that’s needed. We owe it to ourselves and to our families to be able to perform at our best quality, otherwise we are cheating ourselves and our families out of our lives.

Another thing that helped tremendously was having friends and family that I could be transparent with, and talk and vent to. They could not be my therapist, but they could be my friend. There is a distinction between the two.

I have no shame when I say I was in therapy and it helped me get back to the best me that I could. Did I feel like my world shattered? No doubt. The first step in getting back to me was acknowledging that I needed help, and making myself go get it. Acknowledging with no action means nothing. Was it always pleasant? Not at all. Was it needed? Yes indeed!

Heart break will happen. How we deal with it is what makes the difference in not only our lives, but in the lives of our family. It’s never too late to start healing from heart break. Sexy moms strive to function at the best quality of life that they can. You’re needed. You make a difference!

Parenting A Child With A Disability

As a mom, one of the most devastating things we can ever hear is that something is wrong with our babies.  The first thing we do is question ourselves and try to find out what we did wrong, or what we didn’t do that we should have, that could have contributed to our child’s disability.  In most cases, there was nothing we did to contribute to our child’s state.  For the cases that it was something we did, well, forgive yourself.  Children don’t come with instruction manuals, and we learn as we go.  We do the best we can with what we know.  Love your child, and seek the best for them, and you’re putting them at a great advantage in this world.  It’s challenging to parent a child with a disability, but we don’t give up.

I noticed some odd behaviors in my son when he was a baby.  He was around one, maybe a little earlier, and I started seeing some concerning behaviors.  I didn’t know where to turn to get the help he needed.  He was on time with walking, on time with potty training, on time with talking and meeting all of the milestones a regular pediatrician would look for.  It was a frustrating place to be to not know how to help your baby, or even know where to go to begin.

I expressed my concerns to family, and even to my husband.  Everyone said he’s a boy, he’s fine.  I knew different.

I expressed my concerns to a friend of mine who has an Autistic child.  She was able to point me in the right direction where I could get my son tested.  The day we went in for the testing and meeting, I left in tears.  My baby was 3 years and testing as an 18-month-old. He is now 5, turning 6 this year.  He was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder.

My husband took the news much better than I did.  Having a sister with a very serious disability, he was familiar with the challenges.  It took me some time to really wrap my head around it.  Having a support system really helped a lot.  My son has been in a program for special needs since he was diagnosed.  He has grown leaps and bounds.

While we still have some very challenging days, we’re grateful that we have days to spend together.  We’re grateful for the “easy” days.  He still has some obstacles to overcome, but with us supporting him, loving him, challenging him to grow and not settle, and teaching him not to accept defeat, but to fight for success, we are confident that he has a bright future ahead.

Mom, don’t give up! Some days will be rough.  I’ve had many days and nights of crying and being frustrated and feeling ill-equipped.  I have had to come to the conclusion that as long as I love my son with everything in me, and give him the best opportunities I can for his success, then I’m doing everything I can.  Moms, please don’t be too hard on yourself.  Your love makes more of a difference than anything else could make.